Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
and she was petting her beer can
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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