I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
