Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
