i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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