she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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