I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
