party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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