if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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