3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
