Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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