I skipped work to stalk him.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
