to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
