dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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