best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
