i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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