oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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