You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
