When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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