Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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