I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
