I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
