it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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