So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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