Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
