Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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