I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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