OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
