It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
