I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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