My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
