The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
