Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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