As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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