Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
