You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
