shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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