my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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