even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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