White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
