he shaved USA in his pubs
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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