New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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