He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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