Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
