Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
