Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
