I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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