I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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