now i know why i became what i already was.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He passed out mid-signature
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
