Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
