Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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