i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
