Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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