I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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