i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
