Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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