I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize