I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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