1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize