I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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