I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
