im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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