I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
