I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
