my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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